Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
