I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
we're making bets on your personal life
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
