so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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