I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
