so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
