I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
