No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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