watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
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But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
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Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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