my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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