omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
