My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
