I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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