The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Randomize
