All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
