i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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