I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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