He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
