I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
