Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Can you bring me the toilet please
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
