what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
