I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
