im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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