well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
