My sheets look like a crime scene.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
