People with herpes should wear stickers.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
