can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
