I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
