did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
