When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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