Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
