Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
