When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
