either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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