Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
