I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
