Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
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The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I think my moral compass just broke
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