I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
We talked him into tasing himself.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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