Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
