My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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