my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
