im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you inspire me to be a worse person
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When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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