Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
