totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
