I just cut my nipple shaving
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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