i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
