Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
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We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
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When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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