It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
