Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
