Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
