she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
