Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
