and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
