My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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