i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
