I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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