I can text with my tongue
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you have to choose: penises or morals?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
