He asked to "fluff my boner.."
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
