You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
