I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
