I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
