I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
